I saw a graph on Twitter this week that was an interesting approach to how most people see the dichotomy of rich vs poor and then a new graph showing the reality of it. Here’s what it looked like.
I loved this because it helped take the morality or immorality out of wealth. There are good poor people, good rich people, bad poor people, and bad reach people. Rather than choosing to avoid the rich or the poor, we should be choosing to avoid the bad of both.
It’s obviously a super simple concept but it helps break down the constant messaging that pursuing wealth is somehow greedy, immoral, selfish, or any other negative character trait you want to associate with it.
As I was going through this I realized we do the exact same thing when it comes to appearance – especially for men.
We create a false dichotomy where caring about how you look is shallow, vain, effeminate, gay or whatever negative term you want to use.
And not caring about it is stoic, manly, practical, or any positive term you want to use.
But once again, the reality is a little different. Let’s just focus in on the shallow aspect.
You have shallow people who want to look good, wear nice things, and status signal with their appearance, and then you have shallow people who don’t – shallow people who would rather turn their noses up at anyone who DOES wear nice things, or put some energy into getting dressed in the morning, or doesn’t have to be dragged kicking and screaming to buy clothes.
Just like you have good, profound people who really don’t put too much effort or energy into their appearance and good, profound people who have learned that the way they look is both a tool and an external expression of internal value.
Caring how you look isn’t shallow any more or less than being rich is bad – both can be taken from a healthy level to a dangerous extreme, but neither is inherently good or bad.
Being attractive isn’t inherently good or bad either – regardless of what some in the world will try to tell you.
Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is not seeing the whole picture and is likely trying to reconcile any cognitive dissonance they’re experiencing because they choose to see things through that false binary.
I’m about as neutral on the Super Bowl as you can get.
I grew up in a family that didn’t watch it. But, I’m certainly not cynically antagonistic about it either.
In fact, getting together and watching it is one of my favorite annual traditions with my in-laws.
And I know the game well enough to be able to follow along and enjoy good plays.
I also know the game well enough to know that each position is highly specialized.
Highly specialized.
Not all players can train and play the same – yes there are some consistencies across the board, but each needs to specialize according to his role.
They eat differently, follow different protocols in the weight room, prioritize different abilities, and sacrifice some of their overall effectiveness in order to maximize their abilities within their specialization.
On top of that, all the players got where they are by learning to lean into their natural tendencies – the fast guys receive, the big guys block, etc.
Now, take those natural strengths and weaknesses, add in the specialized training they get, and top it off with the fact that all the players are better because they’re coached.
Can you imagine how much worse each individual player would be without a coach? How about how much more difficult it would be to function cohesively as a team?
The coaches are everything – and that’s why they make the big money they do.
A terrible coach would take a one-size-fits all approach rather than knowing each of his players strengths and weaknesses – which is why terrible coaches don’t last very long.
But a great coach – he takes the time to know his players – their strengths and weaknesses, their doubts and ambitions – he can see potential connections that they miss themselves.
So let’s bring this into your approach to your appearance.
The problem with learning about style solely from free content is you don’t get the individualized training – so you may be working on the equivalent of drills necessary for a tight end when really you’re a quarterback.
It’s a waste of your time, energy, and talent.
You also – like the players on the field – have your own natural strengths and weaknesses that need to be worked with.
And lastly, you likely can’t always see the whole picture.
Which means you need the basics, along with a specialized approach and an understanding of how to adjust for your own needs and goals.
You need a coach.
Sure you can get there without one – at least mostly there.
But even then, it costs you more time, money, and energy having to reinvent the wheel on your own.
Now, like most coaches, I don’t let just anyone onto my team. You have to be the right fit, we have to know we can work together, and we need to be aligned in our goals.
So if you want an opportunity to take a deeper dive with me, to see how I can help you, and to see if you have the right mindset to become successful on my program, let’s do an interview.
We’ll jump on a call for a bit, talk about your needs, strengths, weaknesses, and so on.
If I can’t help you, I’ll tell you (and that happens sometimes) and point you toward someone who can.
If I can help you, and believe you’ll see real success on my program, I’ll invite you to join me.
Tryouts are free. So let’s chat and see if we can get you to hit your goals.
Big thanks to this post’s sponsor Gant. The shirt featured in this post is from their Tech Prep collection and is my new favorite chambray!
Chambray is a weave that’s been around for more than 400 years. And, while it gained its initial popularity after being adopted by the US Navy in the early 20th Century, it’s really seeing a strong resurgence in the last decade.
This is due to the fact that’s it’s incredibly versatile while still being more unique and visually interesting than a simple Oxford weave.
This is the most commonly associated use of a chambray shirt. It looks like denim but wears much cooler – making it an ideal alternative in the warm months of spring and summer.
It’s versatile enough that it can be worn on its own, or as an extra layer over a T-shirt or henley.
The key to making it look appropriate in a rugged environment is making sure the details are dialed in. Look for things like a button-down collar, traditional placket, and maybe even a pocket on the chest.
Not every one of these details needs to be present, but the more there are, the more casual it appears.
You’ll also want to make sure the length of the body isn’t so long it looks silly when it’s untucked. Keep it right between the bottom of the rise of your pants and the top of their waistband and you’ll be set.
Rakish
Most men misunderstand a Rakish look.
It doesn’t have to be a bunch of competing pieces that are all incredibly loud and attention-seeking. In fact, the more you’re able to anchor down your statement pieces, the more of a punch they’ll pack.
Take a pair of white chinos as an example. These are pants that men don’t accidentally wear. You don’t see them on the average guy and they certainly require a bit of a go-to-hell attitude to pull them off.
By pairing them with a shirt that’s too loud, the outfit becomes clownish. But when they’re anchored down with a solid item like a chambray shirt, then they still make a statement without looking like a costume.
Finish them off with some loafers and nix the socks and no one will think you’re trying to blend in to the background.
Refined
You may think that a more casual, rugged piece like a chambray shirt has no business in a Refined outfit – but you would be very wrong. In fact, chambray is currently one of the most worn items in the sartorial corner of the menswear world.
There’s something about the casual nature of it that makes you look like you’re dressing well because you want to, not because you have to.
However, it’s not just a matter of slapping on a chambray shirt with your favorite navy suit. In order to pull this look off correctly, the rest of your outfit needs to be appropriately casual.
Dark colors, shiny materials, and fine weaves won’t work here. You need to embrace pattern and texture to avoid having the contrast being too strong and making the shirt look inappropriate.
A pair of cotton chinos, with a basketweave sport coat, and a knit tie all are textured and casual enough that they work excellently with the look of chambray
Conclusion
Once you pick one of these up you’ll quickly realize it’s on heavy rotation in your closet. To that end, it’s worth it to buy one that breaths well and easily moves with you – which is exactly what they’ve created over at Gant with the Tech Prep collection. These shirts use materials and weaves that dry quickly, move easily, and wick away any moisture.
One of the most common questions that I get is related to one of the most common search queries for men’s style, and that is – “Tanner, why don’t you talk more about dressing in ways that are attractive to women?”
Those of you who have been following me for a long time will know that is a glaring omission from what I cover and the truth is that it’s on purpose.
The short answer is because I think it’s an irrelevant question. And the long answer, well let’s dive into the long answer.
There’s a lot to this and I’m going to take my time with this, so let’s get started.
Also, you’ll probably not like some of what I share in here. That’s fine. Just don’t respond emotionally and instead, tell me what you disagree with and why.
Attraction & Comfort
Before we can dig deeper we need to first work from the understanding that – when it comes to relationships – there are two primary things men and women are trying to signal to each other.
The first is Attraction and the second is Comfort.
Attraction consists of things things like:
Charisma
Physical Attractiveness
Dominance
Power
Status
Comfort is things like:
Kindness
Generosity
Provision
Nurturance
Loyalty
Notice that those traits don’t conflict with each other.
There are men who have all Attraction and no Comfort. Typically they’re only out for number one and they also happen to be surrounded by a lot of beautiful women.
There are men who are all Comfort and no Attraction. Typically they’re weak-willed doormats who end up being taken advantage of by the rest of the world. They also very rarely end up with a woman at all, let alone an attractive one.
All attraction with no comfort is great for hedonists but it’s awful if you’re trying to establish a long-term relationship or marriage.
All comfort with no attraction is awful. The best-case scenario is a long-term relationship in which you’re more like roommates than a couple
Most nice guys go for all comfort and no attraction. Most bad-boys are all attraction and no comfort – think of the difference between losers and PUA’s.
Status
Status is the most important aspect of attraction and that can be on a broader scale – relationship to overall status in the world or in a tribe – or on a smaller scale – relationship to the woman you’re trying to attract.
Status is relative to women – they always want someone who’s higher status than they are
Status is tricky because it can be overall status or status within a particular subculture. In fact, the more isolated a particular subculture is, the less overall status within society at large matters.
The problem with signaling nonexistent status is that eventually you get found out. This is the main play of the PUA community, and it works for one-night stands, but you can’t keep up a charade like that long term.
Yes there are overall things that are relevant to general attraction – things like a good physique, deep voice, strong body language, and a commanding presence that all cross cultural and historical lines because they’re biological manifestations of genetic fitness.
This is why there are general standards of attractiveness – for both men and women.
Meeting some minimum standards of status for men is the same thing as meeting minimum standards of beauty for women – which is typically why the happiest couples are paired fairly closely, with the man being higher in status than the woman.
Those relationships that don’t work out often are because either the man is lower status than the woman (think of clingy, desperate guys who never get over a girl) or because the man is so much higher in status that both he and the woman know he attracts more beautiful women and could have relationships with them if he wanted to.
This often leads to discontent on the part of the man and jealousy/dread/unhappiness on the part of the woman.
Yes all of these things can be balanced out and mitigated by traits of comfort and moral codes, but from a purely attraction-based standpoint, that’s the reality most men deal with.
So, if we know that status is the primary Attraction standpoint for men, what does that have to do with clothing, and why don’t I talk about using clothes to attract women?
The first question is easier to answer. The reality is that clothing is always signaling status.
Think of the military – a tribe with a very hard hierarchy and how clothing is used to indicate rank and achievement. This is done through patches, medals, pins, and other articles of clothing.
Or consider a suit and how it’s an overall indicator of status in the Western world – especially when worn correctly. It signals that you don’t have to work with your hands, you have access to financial resources, and – if it’s a nice suit – that you have the time and mental capacity to develop a sense of taste and express that through your clothing.
Think of the cut of a motorcycle club. The men in the gang have to go through a lot to earn the right to wear that jacket and they do so with pride.
And even just being on top of a trend is a way in which we subconsciously signal status. Those who are higher up will create a trend, those in the middle will be early adopters, and those at the bottom of the totem pole will be the last to catch on – which means that trend is no longer a visual means of separation and those at the top will start all over again.
You want to accurately signal your own position within your relative social hierarchies and even dress in a way that’s aspirational, but you don’t want your clothing to lie about your status
This is why young men in suits often look so dopey. It signals to the world a lack of social fluency first because they’re trying to signal overall status when they haven’t earned it. They don’t have age, wisdom, experience, or finances on their side. So they’re telling a false story to the world in general.
Secondly, within their own subculture, there are very few tribes that embrace young men wearing suits. So, it shows an inability to understand clothing in the context of their own groups and cultures. If suits were common on high school or college campuses, then different variations of them would make sense and would be more popular.
But, because they’re not, because they’re ex-tribe from the different subcultures most young people find themselves in, they look silly, try-hard, and posing. They’re using an unearned, ex-tribe symbol of Attraction and making themselves stand out negatively.
It’s kind of like thinking the best way to pound in a nail is with a fishing rod. Sure both are tools, but they’re intended for VERY different jobs.
Which brings us around to the final point – who determines what constitutes high status?
Who Grants Status?
The simple answer is that it’s other men.
That’s politically incorrect and socially inconvenient. But, in the vast majority of tribes and cultures, men have evaluated the worth and value of other men.
Women confirm and reaffirm status once it’s been achieved. But the standards by which its gained are determined by men.
Ancient tribes granted status to those who could contribute to the overall benefit of the group – whether that was through leadership, courage, fighting ability, or mastery in a field. In fact, Donovan’s four tactical virtues – courage, strength, mastery, and honor are all yardsticks by which men measure ourselves and each other.
Those who measure up well and are respected by other men within the tribe, will have the status necessary to attract the more beautiful women – which reaffirms their high status and perpetuates the cycle.
Those who don’t measure up will be shunned by other men and, therefore, by the more attractive women in the group – which reaffirms their low status and perpetuates that cycle.
You may be thinking of exceptions to this and there are some – kind of.
Take for example the lone-wolf who doesn’t want or need the approval of any other men. From a tribal standpoint his status is so low he’s not even a part of the group. So then why do these men still attract beautiful women?
Because they have all the other traits of attractiveness. They’re confident, charismatic, physical specimens who are powerful and dominant
Whereas loners who don’t have those characteristics are at the very bottom of the social barrel. They don’t belong to a tribe, nor are they powerful enough that they can thrive on their own – they’re the outcasts that no one wants anything to do with.
Conclusion
From a style standpoint, it becomes fairly easy to see that dressing to attract women is often a false and limiting goal. By making finding and getting a date/girlfriend/wife your primary purpose, you’re subtly and subconsciously signaling low status. You’re granting tribal primacy to Attraction instead of Power – the main prerogative of women within the tribe.
For men, the ability to attract the right women comes with Power. For women, the ability to gain and maintain power and influence comes with Attractiveness.
Our modern world may be changing this paradigm, through things like feminism, the outsourcing of tribal protection to governments, and technology that minimizes the physical differences between the sexes – but it still exists both culturally and biologically and affects our lives today.
So if I tell you to dress in a way that prioritizes attractiveness – either so you appear more attractive or feel like a more attractive man – we’re missing the mark.
However, if I help you dress in a way that prioritizes power and/or status – either so you appear to have more or you feel like a more powerful man – then you get those benefits, along with being attractive to women
PS – Whenever you’re ready, I have three different ways I can help you improve your style.
If you want the easiest approach that tells you exactly what you should be wearing, check out my Effortless Style program.
If you want to better understand how to use your appearance to better communicate with others and build your own confidence and mindset, pick up my book The Appearance of Power.
And lastly, if you really want to get this dialed in without going through a ton of trial and error, you may be a great fit for my 1-on-1 coaching and can schedule a call with me to learn more about it HERE.
One of the biggest problems that exists in the space of men’s style – whether you’re brand new to the game and trying to find basic advice on YouTube, or you’re well steeped in the culture and can snob out with the best of them on Style Forum – is that the vast majority of men focus on a tactical approach.
By this I mean, all they seem to care about is rules and examples. There’s very little discussion about aesthetic goals, strategies, and objectives.
It’s a mindset that may be preventing you from really improving your style and, if you don’t change it, you may never get better.
Understanding this approach to life will not only help you improve your style, it can make your career, hobbies, dating, family life, and personal progress all level up.
Let me give you an example.
My goal with Masculine Style is to run a great business. This consists of a few major objectives:
Love what I do and be pushed and stimulated by it
Create great, helpful, unique content and programs for you
Provide a wonderful living for my family
Each of these objectives has their own strategies that involve things like posting to YouTube and other social media, having courses, coaching, and membership pages to really help you guys improve your style, and monetize my experience and knowledge so I can better provide for you and my family.
If we dive down into the the YouTube strategy then we can focus on simple tactics like:
Post videos on Tuesday and Thursday
Improve videography to make content that’s more entertaining than just a talking head (unless it’s a video like today’s where that purpose isn’t served)
Purchase and use quality equipment like cameras, microphones, lights, and editing software
Continue to learn from other successful YouTubers and figure out how they’ve grown their channels
Now, if I were to want to improve Masculine Style and the only thing I ever paid attention to were articles and ideas on making better YouTube videos, I’d be missing the boat.
Maybe my videos are great but the reason my business isn’t growing like it should is because I’m not treating my newsletter list correctly, or because I should be focusing more on the book, or because not enough people like a philosophical approach to style and I should try something different.
But if the only way to make my business succeed on YouTube is to do listicles and top 5’s on style, then having a YouTube objective detracts from one of my larger goals of enjoying what I do for a living.
It’s only by seeing the full picture that I’m able to assess each goal, mission, strategy, and tactic and then determine if they’re working together harmoniously.
A Tactical Approach to Style
If you’re a 40-year-old dad who’s making headway in his company and wants to improve there, your goal is very different from a 20-year-old who’s only concern is an outfit that’s going to help him get laid this weekend.
Because those goals are different, the tactics will likely also be different. So if all you focus on is the five outfits you should be wearing this spring – as told by other content creators or threads on different forums, you may end up compromising your mission instead of seeing it succeed.
It’s why I don’t focus on or answer questions like, “What are the best places to buy clothes?” or “Where do I find the best deal on quality shirts?” Where do you live? What do you do for a work? What’s your Archetype, your Tribe? What story are you trying to tell? What’s your budget? How big of a wardrobe do you want?
The answers to all of those questions will have a HUGE impact on my ability to tell you where to buy clothes or where to find a great deal on quality.
Everything is dependent on context. And if you don’t think about your tactics within the context of mission, objectives, strategies, and goals, then you may very well be metaphorically sending your squad directly into an ambush.
Tactics & Dependence
The other problem with focusing on a tactical approach is that it leaves you unable to adapt. If all you know is how to execute on orders given from your favorite influencer, you’ll be in big trouble as soon as the goals or terrain change.
If you don’t learn how to think strategically, you’ll always be dependent on said influencer to give you style advice.
One of the more common questions I get is why do my coaching, courses, and other paid methods on the site cost so much more than what other bloggers charge. The answer is that my programs are designed to render myself obsolete. By working with me one-on-one or within a group setting, you become aesthetically independent and won’t have to rely on me or other influencers anymore.
Whether you take the time to do it yourself or learn it from me, taking a strategic approach to your style, rather than a tactical one, is the ultimate way to not only dress intentionally and well regardless of the situation, but it also mentally frees you up to focus on more important aspects of your life.
Being thrown a curveball like what to wear when your wife is giving birth, you’re testifying in court, or receiving an award no longer require Google searches because you understand the goals and objectives and know which strategies and tactics to implement in order to accomplish them.
